10 Ways to Help a Student with Separation Anxiety

You know the situation. A crying student is clinging to a parent in the office or hallway, unwilling to let go, and the parent is soothing the child and lingering, sometimes offering to walk the child to the classroom. Elementary-age students often struggle with separations after long breaks from school, including weekends, winter break, spring break, and summer break. It’s not uncommon for your newest students to struggle with coming to the school for the first time. Today I’m breaking down tips for helping your student come to school with a positive attitude, ready to participate. At the end of this post, you’ll find a FREEBIE handout to give to parents and caregivers!

  1. Be proactive before Day 1. For your new students, encourage families to familiarize themselves with you, the school building, and new routines. Reach out to families before the first day of school, and arrange a time for students to visit the classroom and find their cubby, table, or desk ahead of time. Open Houses and Back to School Nights are perfect times to ease little ones; nerves. (Check out how I prep for Open Houses here: How School Counselors Can Prepare for Open Houses and Back to School Nights). If an in-person visit isn’t feasible, consider sending home a kindergarten welcome letter or tuck it into your school’s kindergarten orientation packets.
  2. Suggest a goodbye ritual to repeat each day. The parent might have a specific thing they say to their child each day, and saying it is a cue they are leaving. It could be something as simple as “I love you, I’m proud of you, and I know you’ll have a great day.” It could also be a physical goodbye ritual, such as a kiss on the hand or cheek. I always suggest the book The Kissing Hand* to parents to read at home with their child, which offers the idea of holding a parent’s kiss in the palm of your hand throughout the school day.
  3. Encourage the parent to make a quick exit. As hard or awkward as it might be to suggest, insist the goodbyes happen quickly at the car or office and not near the classroom. From what I’ve experienced, the closer the parent gets to the classroom, the harder the separation will be, and then it’s disruptive to other students and the morning routine. Encourage the parent to make a quick exit, but not sneak away. They need to say goodbye so the child doesn’t feel tricked or betrayed. This will help develop trust for the next day’s transition. Be direct, say goodbye, have a goodbye ritual, and then go. Don’t linger or watch through window.
  4. Focus conversation on the school day ahead, not on the parent leaving. If the child is in the main office or sidewalk and hasn’t made it to the classroom, distract him/her by telling them about the day’s schedule. Ask for a lunch choice selection, or offer another choice about whether they’d like to carry their own backpack or have you carry it. You can also try asking them to help you in some way, such as “we need to take a note to your teacher, let’s go take it to him.” Talk to them about recess and or an interesting class that day, and ask the child to show you his/her desk or cubby.
  5. Allow the child to carry a transition object. Offer to let the child bring a transition object to school, such as a stuffed animal, small blanket, or photo. Allow them to carry it and then tuck it into their cubby or backpack for safekeeping during the school day. You might want to talk to the parent about this ahead of time, so they can help the child choose an appropriate object (maybe not the most special thing, but something that would be okay if it were lost or damaged at school). Spell out the rules for keeping the object in a backpack or desk during the day.
  6. Establish a morning routine in the classroom. Knowing what to do when they arrive in the classroom will ease the transition into the school day. The teacher will have already done this, so the child should know the routine. In most cases, once the day gets started, they’ll be busy and happily distracted. Sometimes it may help to contact the parent later (when the child is not without earshot) to reassure him/her their child had a great morning after all. Along these lines, stress the importance of arriving to school on time. Once the day has started, the transition will be that much more difficult.
  7. Provide the child with a sense of ownership in the classroom. Assign a simple daily task where the student can be in charge, such as watering a plant, drying the sink, and making sure tissues and hand sanitizer are plentiful. (Avoid jobs like checking the weather if looking out the window at a parking lot and spotting their parent would trigger another meltdown!)
  8. Involve peers. Be strategic about where the student is seated, putting him/her by a friend, or a peer he/she is comfortable around. Say, “I bet (friend’s name) is waiting to play with you this morning! She’ll be so excited to see you!” Encourage the friend to greet the student.
  9. Involve another staff member. In more difficult situations, you may want to designate a few people (other than the classroom teacher) who might be available to meet the student at dropoff and walk him/her inside. Seeing this consistent face will help, and you also want to have a backup in case the designated staff member is not available. Also look into whether riding the bus would be an option so that the goodbyes happen sooner and the child gets in the mindset of school once on the bus.
  10. Consider the reason behind the separation anxiety. If there is a history of trauma, such as family illness or parent incarceration, attachment disorders or other factors, take those into consideration and work with the family to connect them with resources, which could include a referral for outside counseling or inclusion in a small group or individual counseling. It’s helpful to have a list of local resources you can use to refer families, as well as a list of helpful books. The three I suggest that specifically address separation are The Kissing Hand, The Invisible String, and What to Do When You Don’t Want to Be Apart. If the child is complaining of physical symptoms of anxiety and medical reasons have been ruled out, help to teach the child how to recognize feelings of worry in their body and offer coping strategies for dealing with those feelings.

The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
What to You Don’t Want to Be Apart: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Separation Anxiety

What are the tricks you keep up your sleeves for students experiencing separation anxiety? Share them with us in the comments below!

I hope you have a wonderful year! You can download my FREE Separation Anxiety Parent/Caregiver Handout for your students and families here!

Let’s do this!

Ashley

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5 Ways to Minimize Tattling in the Classroom

I don’t know about you, but now that I’m quarantined at home with my three little boys, I hear their nonstop play-by-plays of each other’s behaviors. Overhead during lunch today: “Moooom, he poured too much ranch on his plate.” “He’s just taking bites and spitting them into the trash.” “Mom, the flower pot is dripping onto the floor.” “The dog just made a mess beside his water bowl!”

Sure, some of these need my immediate attention. (And a roll of paper towels.) But to some of the others, I just want to say, “Whyyyy?” I’ve rounded up some of most effective strategies I’ve used with my students to discourage tattling behavior.

  1. Show students how to discern the size of the problem. When I’m teaching the different between tattling and reporting to my students, I often talk about the “size of the problem” and the “size of the reaction,” and that the two should match. When I refer to a small problem, I emphasize that “small” does not mean “not important.” I use the word “small” simply to mean the student should be able to handle it on his/her own– or at least try. A “big” problem would require the help of a trusted adult. Ask students to try to come up with their own examples of small problems and big problems! For older students, you could even add in a “medium-sized problem” category for problems that are not dangerous, but require immediate attention, such as a spill or losing a tooth. What other situations could be considered “medium-sized” problems? We do the same with discussion reaction size, and what a small reaction looks like, versus a big reaction. We talk about times when we’d need to have a small reaction by letting it go or dealing with it ourselves, and when we’d need a big reaction, especially during an emergency.
  2. Model strategies for solving small problems. I teach and model how to solve small problems using role plays, scoot games, and my favorite, the Kelso’s Choice wheel. Encourage them to try to solve small problems on their own first, before going to an adult. Give them language to use to share how they are feeling with the other person using “I statements.”
  3. Provide examples through storytelling. One of the best ways to model social skills is through storytelling. Susie Allison of @BusyToddler posted an infographic on 5.8.20 highlighting reasons to read to a child, including “Encourages social-emotional skills” and “Builds background knowledge.” Young children tattle for so many reasons, including to show the teacher they know the rules, and through story they can begin to understand that the adult does not need to know of every minor infraction. This is the premise behind the book, Diamond Rattle Loves to Tattle.* It includes helpful tips for parents and educators. Diamond Rattle Loves to Tattle also has five companion lessons that will be available on the Boys Town Press website soon!
  4. Talk through example scenarios. Get them moving! I love a good movement-based activity, and so do my students! This classroom scoot activity gets students up and moving around, responding to 30 different “Tattle or report?” scenarios. Afterward, we discuss our answers and when we disagree in our responses, we talk about extraneous circumstances that could be “exceptions” to the rules. Encourage students to come up with their own examples!
  5. Help children understand the difference between tattling and reporting/telling. Give examples of situations where students would need to report a large problem, such as when someone is hurt or in danger, to a trusted adult. Help them identify trusted adults at home and at school who would be able to listen and help. Encourage them that if the adult does not listen to a big problem, such as bullying, to keep telling other trusted adults until action is taken. Remind students to ask themselves, “Are you trying to get a classmate IN trouble or to help them to get OUT of trouble?”

How to do you address tattling in your classroom? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments below! Be sure to check out Counselor Station’s “Social Skills and Tattling” board on Pinterest for more ideas and resources related to tattling.

New title releasing July 14, 2020 through Boys Town Press!
Engage students with this fun movement-based scoot activity!

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School Counseling During Distance Learning

If you’re like me, you’re trying to navigate this new territory as school counselors all around the world are adjusting to distance learning and new routines. Here are some ways I’ve been helping to serve in my community while juggling my three little boys and their own distance learning from home and figuring out my next steps for providing connection for my students.

NEIGHBORHOOD AND COMMUNITY BEAR HUNT

Many communities are organizing community-wide bear hunts based on the children’s book by Michael Rosen, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. My own boys (ages 3, 5, and 7) loved walking around our neighborhood searching for plush bears in windows, on porches, and even in front yards and mailboxes! They were excited to be featured in our local newspaper when they shared the story. We used these fun free printables to keep track of how many bears they spotted, and they walked three miles without complaint! My resource includes printable badges and printable bears for residents to tape to windows in lieu of stuffed bears. I always try to think of how I can help, and making this freebie for my neighbors was so rewarding and fun!

MEALS FOR STUDENTS

It’s been tricky to find ways to volunteer at my school because I have little ones at home who obviously can’t come in the school building with me, but when my husband was home during spring break I was able to help distribute meals to students. Some teachers rode buses, and others gave out bags from the school cafeteria.

CONNECTING WITH STUDENTS

In the meantime, I’ve used Loom to make videos to feel more connected with my students. We also waved to teachers from our local elementary school parade through my neighborhood, which I know provided some closure to such an abrupt end to our school year. My own school’s parade has been postponed because of the governor’s orders to stay home, but I’m hopeful we can make it happen! I’ve also had lots of meetings using Zoom, and our teachers put together learning at home packets for students for continuity of learning. When I call students, I dial *67 before 1 and the area code to keep my personal number private. I keep a communication log on a shared drive with my administrators and staff.

DISTANCE LEARNING

During all of this, I’ve been working with my boys using many of the free resources that are out there. It’s OVERWHELMING how many free educational sites are out there, from websites, to virtual tours, to Facebook Live events, but I’m trying not to fill all of our time with screens and making sure to go outside as much as we can to balance our online appointments and classes. I’m using these homeschool/distance learning pages to keep track of what we do each day. I’ve found that if I plan out what we’re doing the night before, it goes so much more smoothly and doesn’t feel so much like playing Whack-a-Mole! You can download these pages here!

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

I’m also looking out for how I can best support my students who are adjusting to a new normal and the losses associated with school ending for the year without warning. So many of you have been using my Hoping and Coping Feelings Journal already, and I hope they are helping students process their feelings during distance learning and school closures. I’ve included letter templates for writing to teachers, friends, and more.

I know my activities will continue to evolve as we navigate this new territory, but I’m proud at how my community has already worked (from a distance) to support each other. Check out ASCA for more updates and information about our profession. They have been updating FAQs throughout this process and providing recommendations on ethics. How are you finding that your role as a school counselor has changed? What is a new platform you’ve learned? Are you journaling during this time? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

4 Books for Addressing Sibling Rivalry

Parents sometimes ask me for resource recommendations for their children who don’t always get along with each other at home. Recently I checked out these books from my local library to preview for parents. And hey, it can’t hurt if I share them with my trio of little guys at home, too!

Dollop and Mrs. Fabulous* by Jennifer Sattler: Great for if you are working with siblings who have completely different personalities. Sisters Lili and Dollop couldn’t be more different, and their personalities clash in this sweet story where they learn to compromise, make room for each other, and mesh their interests in order to have fun together. The illustrations are adorable! I could see myself using this story with students who disagree about what to play at recess as an example of how to create a “win-win” solution by combining their ideas and interests into a new iteration of their game.

Maple & Willow Together by Lori Nichols is another book featuring sisters and is actually part of a series about the pair. Maple is the big sister, and Willow is the little sister. They are ALWAYS together, and although their interests are different, they compliment each other well… until there is a disagreement. After some time apart, they have a chance to miss each other’s company, and they learn to get along through compromise and appreciating each other.

The Unbudgeable Curmudgeon by poet Matthew Burgess features a brother/sister duo. When one is grouchy, the other tries everything, from tattling, to bribery with food, to physical force, to get him off her bookbag, which is trapped under his chair. In the end, we learn several strategies for regulating big feelings: hugs, reading, singing, and painting. This one is fun to read with its playful rhymes and Fiona Woodcock’s thoughtful illustrations.

The Evil Princess vs. The Brave Knight by Jennifer Holm highlights another brother/sister sibling set. They have to share a lot, and even though they don’t get along, they realize how much they miss each other when they are apart. (Sounds like a couple of my boys!) They agree to get along by coming up with a shared mission: “We need a quest!” and continue to prank each other even as they play together… and they even attempt to clean up their mess together(ish)… I love that this story doesn’t have a “perfect” ending or fix, as conflicts will always come and go.

Which books would you add to this list?

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